1/30/05

The Importance of Families

1 Kings 3:16-28
Ephesians 6:1-4
Luke 15:11-32

This sermon is a repeat from last Sunday when we got snowed out! Soon after the report came out last Spring that a high percentage of our youth in Duxbury had been engaging in behaviors "risky" to their minds, bodies, and spirits - behaviors involving drugs, alcohol, and sex - a group of concerned citizens was gathered by the school department, and designated as the Youth Risk Behavior Task Force. This task force has been meeting regularly ever since, trying to find ways to address these problems and be supportive of our young people and their families.

The Duxbury Interfaith Council has also been part of this process, and it came up with two ways that our faith congregations could help. One was this past weekend, when many of us clergy were to be addressing family issues in our services - I'll do it today - and then last Thursday, when we hoped all families throughout the town would sit down together in their homes for a "family dinner night." I have a feeling many families sat down together for meals last Sunday and Monday during the blizzard. We'll talk more about the family dinner night in a few minutes.

But first, I want to once again, as I have in the past, raise up the importance of families, and the important role parents have as they bring up their children, from the very young to teenagers. How we raise our children has an enormous influence in society, more so than how we vote, our technological advancements, our artistic endeavors, or whatever. Being a parent is a big commitment, an awesome responsibility not to be taken lightly.

Our church as a whole tries to take this as our corporate responsibility also. For example, in our baptism liturgy we say about those being baptized: "... we offer ourselves to be their sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers in Christ, to surround them with God's kind of love, and to support their families ...", etc. We also place a big importance on Christian education through our Church School and youth programs. We try hard to create an atmosphere in our church where all will feel welcomed and included. In the story of King Solomon and the two women - and did you hear about the situation over in Sri Lanka where nine mothers were claiming that a baby who survived the tsunami was theirs, a very similar scenario - in the Bible story, beyond Solomon's shrewd judgment, we also have to be impressed with the real mother's deep commitment to her child's well-being. She pleads her case before the king with forcefulness, but when it appears that her son might be killed, so great is her love for her child, that without hesitation, she willingly offers him to the other woman, so that his life might be spared. Sometimes parents must make tremendous sacrifices, so that our children might have better lives or more secure futures.

The other story is the parable of the Prodigal Son. Besides making the obvious parallel between the father and God, who forgives our sins when we turn back in repentance, the father in the parable is also a good role model for us. Maybe you've had a similar experience. A child reaches maturity (or so he or she thinks), and with a burst of independence, packs up and leaves home for parts unknown. During the sojourn, funds are squandered foolishly, but the child actually does mature, sees the error of his or her ways, and comes home again.

We all know that not all parents react to the return of their wayward children as the father does in the story. He not only welcomes back his son with open arms, but throws a big "welcome home" party as well! The jealous and self-centered older brother reacts negatively and cuts himself off from the rest of the family and from the fun. The father's actions toward both his sons clearly illustrate the importance of families, and what parenthood is all about. It's about pride, and how sometimes we have to swallow it. And about anger and hurt, and how sometimes we have to bear them stoically. And about loving, and caring, and most of all, about forgiving.

In Ephesians, Paul talks about a double commitment: children are to obey their parents and give them honor and respect; and parents (he says fathers, but mothers are included also), parents are to discipline and instruct their children, but not "provoke them to anger." Don't take Paul too literally here. He's not suggesting that we give in to our children, spoil them rotten, or give them their own way, so they won't be angry at us. We adults still need to be in control. But there are negative ways of being in control - abuse of various kinds, the cruelty of emotional or physical neglect, excessive discipline. This is what Paul means by "provoking a child to anger."

Countless studies have shown that a majority of children, whether they are pre-schoolers, elementary-graders, or teenagers, children want reasonable discipline, appropriate limits, and parental guidance when it comes to making tough decisions about personal behavior, including the risky behaviors mentioned before. It really is okay for parents of teens to set a curfew time; it's okay for parents to want to know where their kids are and who they are with when they're not home; it's okay to share our personal moral code and expect them to adhere to it; it's okay to talk with our children about what we consider inappropriate behaviors for their age level, to set expectations, and yes, to enforce consequences, if necessary.

There was a great op-ed piece in the Boston Globe a month or so ago, on "Getting Real About Teen Drinking." Stephen Wallace, national chair and CEO of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), the author of the piece, shared some interesting facts: "Alcohol use by teens affects still-developing cognitive abilities and impairs memory and learning. Teens who drink are more likely to commit or be the victims of violence (including sexual assault), and to experience depression and suicidal thoughts. Alcohol-related automobile crashes kill thousands of teens each year and injure millions more."(i)

Compounding these alarming facts is the reality that many young adults believe the "myth of invincibility," that there are no real or lasting effects of alcohol use, or drug use for that matter, and that if they drink, or do any of these risky behaviors, certainly nothing is going to happen to them. This, my young friends, is like the proverbial ostrich. You're only kidding yourselves. By the same token, too many parents buy into the "myth of inevitability," believing that drinking is a rite of passage, "all the kids do it," and there's not much they as parents can do to influence their child's choices or behavior. Some even go so far as to encourage their teens, and their friends, to drink under their "supervision." They'll be "safer" that way. Again, this is erroneous, irresponsible, and foolish thinking.

There are lots of things parents can do to help their children, and to improve family life in general. One of the most important, I think, is to keep the lines of communication open and to give our children our time, quality time, our respect, and our love. I remember when our older son, Erik, was just a little guy, and we'd be going off in the car on some family trip, and invariably he'd say, "Let's talk about something." He knew he had mom and dad's undivided attention, and he wanted to capitalize on it. It didn't matter what the subject was so much as that we his parents were talking with him. The time we spend with our children is much more important than anything we might spend money on, whether toys for them or stuff for ourselves.

I told this story before about a family in Colorado that tried for years to save enough money to fix up an outdated bathroom in their home. But every year as ski season rolled around, the family opted to vacation together rather than spend the money on the bathroom. Years later after the children were grown up, one of them reflected about those annual ski trips, the good times they had together, and how much he enjoyed and remembered them. The father commented: "I can't imagine our son writing home and saying how much he enjoyed our great bathroom."

Someone once wrote a list of things she'd do, as she put it, "If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again." She said, "If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I'd do less correcting, and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I would care to know less, and know to care more. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. I'd run through more fields, and gaze at more stars. I'd do more hugging, and less tugging. I would be firm less often. And affirm much more. I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. I'd teach less about the love of power, And more about the power of love."(ii) If you still have children at home, take these words to heart. If you're like me with an empty nest, consider them for your grandchildren, or for any child you know - including our church school children.

Appropriate discipline, respect, honesty, being good role models, having good communication within the family, giving quality time - these are some of the ways we adults can show our love for our children, young or older, but this love must be overtly expressed, and not just implied. Love and acceptance are the foundations upon which all families, all relationships are built. Children need love; we all do, especially those times when we're not very loveable.

A man was recalling an experience from his youth when he went out one night and got in trouble with the law. He was taken to the police station and allowed to call home. He waited there in fear and trembling; finally his father arrived. "I began to talk," he said, "but my father put his hand over my mouth, and said to me, 'John, I want to know what happened, but first I want to tell you that you are my son, and that I love you, and that whether I approve or disapprove of what you have done, I will stand by you until we see this through.'" John commented, "I don't know how I can ever thank my old man enough for that."(iii) Unconditional love and acceptance go a long way in strengthening the family.

The Family Dinner Night was designated for last Thursday, January 27th. Let's try again for this week. I hope many families will decide that this is something they should do every night. Some practical tips from your friendly Interfaith Council: