February 12, 2006

For Better, For Worse

(A sermon on divorce, not preached because of snowstorm & blizzard)

Psalm 119:1-8
1 Corinthians 3:1-9
Matthew 5:27-37

We have in our Gospel lesson this morning two of the most difficult sayings of Jesus: "Everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart ..." and "Anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." There's a third one about swearing that's not quite as hard, only because it's not quite as radical as the other two. These sayings are difficult, obviously, because they hit so close to home, and because the penalties are so extreme. It makes me personally uncomfortable to realize that I have broken one of the ten commandments by just looking lustfully at or just fantasizing about someone who is not my wife. If we are to take this passage literally, and I am not suggesting that we do, but if we do, then I - and most men - would probably have plucked out an eye or two already. And, by the way, though Jesus, in male-dominated first century Palestine, was addressing his comments to men, women who look lustfully after men are equally guilty. Poor Jimmy Carter some decades ago got into a lot of trouble in an interview in Playboy magazine, when he admitted "lusting in his heart." He knew his own sinfulness; he was just being too honest.

As much as the truth hurts, somehow we can brush off more easily this saying on looking lustfully, because we know that "everyone" does it, and that Jesus' words need not be taken literally for us to get the point that looking can lead to more destructive behaviors that can potentially damage a relationship. But, even "look, but don't touch" is a temptation sometimes hard to avoid. But what about Jesus' teachings on divorce? What he says in this passage and elsewhere can be very painful to anyone who has experienced divorce first or second hand. There are many sitting here today who have gone through a divorce, or are going through one right now, or have been closely touched by one. You folks know better than others of us who haven't, just how incredibly painful divorce can be.

A pastor related this incident: She was sixteen, and a bridesmaid at her father's wedding. It was his second marriage, and for many of us, an occasion signaling the triumph of joy over pain, hope over despair - but she was not part of that. She came to the pastor's study just minutes before the ceremony. Her eyes were uncertain and moist with tears. She had started attending a Bible study after school, she told him, and just a week or so ago ... her voice gave way, and a dark, mascara-soaked tear dropped onto her lap. She opened her Bible and silently pointed to these words (the same ones we just read about divorce). "The words were Jesus' words," said the pastor, "and I wished he'd never said them. They have given so much pain to so many women and men ... but here was only this child - no, this young woman - who had done nothing but love two parents whose love for each other had not been strong enough or wise enough to sustain their marriage. It hurts to read such words. We don't expect words like these from Jesus. The words strike us as insensitive, uncaring, judgmental, legalistic, wholly lacking in compassion and understanding, precisely everything Jesus was not and is not." (i)

Where was Jesus coming from when he said these words? Did he really mean what he said? Divorce was quite common in the Greek and Roman cultures of early Palestine, and though forbidden in the Law of Moses, there were some loopholes, and rabbinic interpretations had made some of the loopholes even bigger. One line of teaching said that divorce was acceptable for almost any reason, while the other said that divorce was only acceptable if adultery had been committed. Obviously, Jesus' position was closer to the latter, though in other places in the gospels, he says divorce is forbidden no matter what the circumstances.

Jesus was so strong in rejecting divorce, I believe, because he felt it violated God's intentions for creation. God's original act was to create humankind to be in partnership with one another, to be in relationship to one another. Jesus trusted in God's goodness and believed marriage to be a good gift from God. The church has affirmed this throughout the centuries, and still affirms it. I believe that God extends the opportunity of the gift of marriage to all persons, regardless their gender, if they are loving and committed to one another.

Jesus, I am sure, was also against divorce because he was against the too-common practice of men divorcing their wives for any old reason. I suspect that he might also be against the often too easy, "no fault" divorces, and the easy come - easy go attitudes so prevalent in our culture today. But Jesus was not and is not against persons who divorce. And in spite of his strong statements, I believe that Jesus would be and is compassionate, understanding, sensitive, and caring toward those who suffer the pains of divorce.

The church affirms the goodness of the institution of marriage - and well that it should. When marriages are torn asunder for whatever reason, the damage is often widespread; not only the persons involved, but their children, relatives, neighbors, friends - even society - all feel the shock waves. And think of the energies - emotional, mental, physical, financial - that go into a divorce. I believe that if a fraction of those energies were put into trying to save some marriages, some would survive. And I am fully aware that some would not.

But it's hard for marriages to survive in our society today. Our culture's mores and standards work against marriage. The ideal today is the autonomous, self-sufficient person. Our economy needs mobile workers who are free to move at the beck and call of corporations, unhindered by messy personal entanglements. When we all used to live on the family farm, there were many good reasons for a marriage and for a family to stay together. Economic well-being, protection, and the nurture of children were paramount. Now, the state or other agencies can step in. What's left for the family to provide today is emotional well-being and a support system that provides fulfillment. And this is certainly important. But for too many people, marriage is a contract made with a friendly stranger in order to get the support and encouragement they deserve, (ii) and if they don't get it, then the contract is voided.

What's happened to "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..."? If we look at the divorce statistics today we'd wonder if this is any longer part of the wedding ceremony, or if it is, obviously it's not taken very seriously. Yet, in the face of growing despair and cynicism about the future, the unconditional promises of marriage represent a willingness to trust and hope. (iii)

But we also need to be realistic about marriage. Those of us who've been married or still are know that marriage is rarely all sweetness and light. Sometimes there is bitterness and darkness. Keeping a marriage together is hard work, because it often consists of two incompatible people trying to learn to live together compatibly, two imperfect people trying to become the perfect couple, which, of course, is impossible. Tolerance is an important ingredient in any marriage, a willingness to adjust, to overlook, to accept not only the little irritants but the really big ones as well. Psychologist Carl Rogers uses this analogy: "When I walk on the beach to watch the sunset, I do not call out, 'A little more orange over to the right, please,' or, 'Would you mind giving us less purple in the back?' No, I enjoy the always-different sunsets as they are. We would do well to do the same with the people we love." (iv) Ben Franklin once said: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage; half shut afterwards."

Two men are making small talk at a party. One says to the other, "You and your wife seem to get along together very well. Do you ever have any differences of opinion?" "Definitely," replies the other. "In fact, quite frequently - but we get over them quickly." "How do you do that?" asks the first man. And the other wisely replies, "Simple. I never tell her about them." (v)

What complicates things in marriages is that we change, we're constantly changing throughout our lives - that's what makes living together with someone so difficult. And when these changes result in increased insensitivity to the other, then problems often arise. This is humorously illustrated by a husband's reactions to his wife's colds over the five years of their marriage: First Year - "Sugar dumpling. I'm real worried about my baby girl. You've got a bad sniffle, and there's no telling about these things with all the strep going around. I'm putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general check-up and a good rest. 2nd Year - "Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've just called Doc Miller to come over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl." 3rd Year - "Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Have we got any canned soup?" 4th Year - "Now look dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids, and done the dishes and finished the laundry, you'd better go lie down." 5th Year - "Why don't you take a couple of aspirin? And stop sneezing; are you trying to give me pneumonia?" (vi)

More seriously, the promises of marriage give us time, time to adapt to the changes that occur in ourselves and in our spouses. We are given time to receive a stranger, to enter into the vast and unfathomable reality that is inherent in another human being. In time we may realize that the person we've married knows us better than we know ourselves, and is not the person we thought we were marrying, who merely props up our false images of ourselves. Truthfulness takes time, and sometimes it hurts. (vii) In marriage we also learn to forgive, important outside of marriage as well. And sometimes we learn to fail, and to begin again.

Indeed, sometimes it just doesn't work. Sometimes the bitterness and darkness overshadow everything else. Divorce may be wrong, but a couple living together with constant bickering, with loss of respect for one another, with deep-seated unhappiness, that's wrong, too. When people have already put asunder what God has joined together, then divorce may be the only answer. All of us at one time or another have misused God's good gifts. We misuse the gifts of creation, the environment, our wealth and possessions, our sexuality, the very gift of life itself, squandering it as if it would go on forever. So also is the gift of marriage sometimes misused. We call such misappropriation of God's gifts sin - when we fall short of God's expectations, when we fall short of God's hopeful intentions for us. But sin or failure are not God's final word. God's final word is forgiveness, and new possibilities, and hope.

The gospel of Christ is the gospel of the second chance. I believe that Jesus truly wants for all of us - married or unmarried - to receive a second chance, and to forgive one another. But I also believe that Jesus wants most for us to be whole, to be fully alive for him and for one another. And so, God helps us to bind our wounds, to heal our hurts, to forgive others and ourselves, and to seek God's forgiveness for a new start. Sometimes we find new beginnings within our marriages. Sometimes we must divorce and try to begin again. Sometimes our partners are taken from us in death and we're forced to begin again all alone. Sometimes we never do find that special someone and we remain single. But in all our times God gives us the strength to continue on, not because we are deserving, not because we may have been wronged, not because we are right, not for any reason that lies within ourselves. God's wonderful promises and gracious gifts are the reason - the promise of God's comforting presence and love, the gifts we are to each other, and the hope that we may yet be a blessing one to another. (viii) So may it be for each one of us, whatever our circumstance in life. Amen.

The Pilgrim Church of Duxbury
Rev. Kenneth C. Landall

i Patrick J. Willson, Word & Witness, 2/22/87.
ii William H. Willimon, "Time and Marriage: The Promise of June, The Christian Century, 6-11/86, p. 544.
iii Parables, Etc., 3.3.6.
iv Ibid., 3.11.8.
v Ibid., 5.4.5.
vi Ibid., 3.12.8.
vii Willimon, op. cit.
viii Willson, op. cit.